Growing up, NOT getting old. Those two are a total different thing to talk.
For me, I could say:
GROWING UP???! Damn! I hate it, SO MUCH!!!!
Suddenly, you feels like no room for making another mistake.
It's like everybody started chanting a same word: "I could count on you, I could count on you, I could count on you"
Suddenly you feels like time is ticking faster.
You start to evaluate every things you have done, things you haven't done, and the things you should have done but you didn't. Rush things to finish or clear faster.
Suddenly you feel like you are no body.
You feel nothing on you are valuable enough. Feeling small. Out of nowhere no matter how great your achievement were, you feel like a worthless person.
Suddenly you feel like have to narrowing people you know.
You have a rush just focusing on some group only who might have effect on your future and business.
Suddenly you feel like have to do a closing about anything you always avoided before.
You started to reconsider which one is more important. Sorting up priority. Whose happiness is more important? What things to hold on? What things to let go?
Suddenly you asking your self, am I such a selfish person?
Chasing on something based on your ego, because these small whispering voice "It's your life, you make the call". "It's your happiness, you deserve it".
Suddenly you start to worry, was my decision hurt people?
What you decides might be an inverse of what people been expecting. What if your decision ended disappointing people whom you love most? Your family or your parents maybe?
Suddenly you start to dug up your past.
Did I miss somebody or something that actually really important to me?Things I refused to admit before, because of my ego? My uncertainty about what I wanted or what I needed?
It feels like, you are at the intersection. You able to choose one way only. You have to make sure your choice is the right one. Because no time to regret. And switching way to another might cost and waste your time. It will tire you too much. So the simplest thing to do is just, pick one and pick it right.
You realize, that every decision you made, might bring a huge different life path later. It might lead you to a total different person, different environment, and another different thing with a HUGE GAPS.
Suddenly, why is life getting too scary?? Because, IT SEEMS LIKE, LIFE IS ASKING MORE THAN I COULD AFFORD. I have to take care about myself, my own future, my own job, working hard to make a living, make sure people whom I loved is happy (parents, family) and if someday I will get married, I have to take care about another life of human being!
It's like, life is stripping me down, joyously. And I am just a scarecrow. Rather than trying to figure out what is living as a grown up feels like, I choose to step back. I don't want to grow up. I don't like to face the reality, that time is moving forward, so should I. I am scared. I just want to run back to my mom warmth hug, and be her innocent little girl that knows nothing about life!!
I hate growing up as much as I hate having this worrisome. It's killing. Growing up makes me feels like:
I have no room for making another mistake. No room for dumb stuff. No time to do something stupid I love.
No chance to try everything new anymore. No room to fall in love with a wrong guy. No place to travel or get lost. No time to dance, to play in line skating, to meet a random people on street and having a great fun time with them. I thing that I have to be super sane and sober all time. Yup, it's like my freedom is leaving me.
And I feel like, the only thing I am allowed to do as a grown up is learn how to behaving with a good manners. Getting rid your flaws. Running life seriously. In short, being a grown up is starting to act and behave like a perfect one.
You know what? It is not I don't like being counted on. Or I don't like people assuming I am an adult with full responsibility. It just, I hate this transition period. Really, HATE IT. Too many things to put in my small head with a thick skull. All I need, just time. Let me be alone and decides when I am ready.
